Fat fattty fat fat*

Firs of all, I am NOT writing this post so ya'll will say, "OMG, Sarah. You are so not fat." I will not be able to hear you over the straining sound the denim squeezing my thighs is making anyway. I am writing this because today, my friends, I am embarking on a weight loss journey the likes of which I haven't embarked upon since junior high when I did Weight Watchers and got so skinny my hair started to fall out and my skin was ashy-- and I looked amazing, dahling.

I signed up for Sparkpeople today and found I have eaten 525 calories already and used up almost half of my allotted fat grams. That's just for breakfast. Eff.

I had my yearly physical today and found I still weigh 9 more pounds than I did on the day I got pregnant with Jack (a factoid I know because I was at my doctor's office for a physical the day I found out Jack was on his way, and despite having peed on $150 worth of negative pregnancy tests in 48 hours, I KNEW I was pregnant and demanded a blood test and voila!).

I decided to set a weight loss goal of 22 pounds which will make me 10 pounds under my driver's license weight (and I will so go back to the DMV and get a new license if that is the case) and just barely able to donate blood (not that I do, but I would like to have the option).

I told my doctor I HAVE NO IDEA what is keeping me from losing the weight, so she took some blood to test my thyroid, but I am lying. I know exactly what is causing the fat fatty fat fat-- all the food I have been eating. I probably cram 6-7 mini candy bars in my face every night while I clean the kitchen-- and that's after a whole day of eating eleventy billion teddy grahams and anything left on Jack's high chair tray. And all my other food. That I mostly eat as fast as I can while hunched over my computer.

So, crap. Buh-bye Potbelly binges and italian subs for lunch 3 days a week. Hello salad spray and rice cakes with reduced fat peanut butter.

Also? My colon is totally fine, but hopes no one touches it again. Ever.

Hopefully, this picture will serve as my "before" in a few months. (also, I am still going to have to drink) (also, also, I am not generally very good with budgets, so I imagine wisely spending a calorie budget is going to be tricky. There will be days when I have eaten 1500 calories before noon, I fear, and days when I hoard them all and get shitfaced. All in the name of good health!)

(also, also, also-- Ben and I were out to dinner-- a buttery, olive-oil and vino soaked dinner--and it was so damn cold, I had to buy a sweatshirt so we could eat outside-- hello! It's JUNE)
* I am not sure if that's the exact line, but I was going for the phrase Juna hurled at Valerie Cherish from inside the fridge when Valerie was dressed up like the giant cupcake. Anybody else miss The Comeback?