But I AM.
I cannot shake off the sadness, fear, and overwhelming grief I have felt since last Tuesday night sitting on the bleachers at hockey practice.
I can't look away from 24-hour cable news even though I scream at the TV.
Yesterday, Dorothy watched her Curious George Halloween special like 6 times because I just could not deal with real TV or real interaction (I mean-- I cleaned the house and made cookies and pancakes for dinner and took everyone to dance and did homework with the kids and made sure everyone had 60 minutes of outside play time and did my work, but I also let them watch a lot of TV and ate all of the ret of the Halloween chocolate). (There wasn't very much). (Then I had what I thought were two glasses of wine after the kids went to bed and realized that I drank half the bottle).
How could we do this to our country, America, and how can I make it better? How can I do all of the good that I can for all of the people I can, too? How can I wake up everyday and try to do the best I can all the time? I don't know. But I'm working on it. It really helps to have a built-in 4-person cheering section.
Other things I am doing to make myself feel better that fall under the narcissistic heading of self-care:
1. Check out all of the books about Hillary Clinton I could find at the library in either hard copy or audio so I can live in a state of denial that she's gone from American politics.
2. Throw myself into a big work project that's outside my area of expertise so I can read like I am a grad student again (also: about HRC, so see denial above).
3. Plan vacations for 2017-- it's always good to have a beach and/or a national park in your future.
4. Plan a movie date with friends for escapism
5. Start reading again-- thank goodness for Maria Semple.
6. Plan a fun at-home date with Jack and Ben this weekend while the little kids sleep and Harry has important plans.
7. Do my nails for a fun holiday party this weekend.
8. Clean up my office because boxing up things to shred is SO SATISFYING.
9. Give up emotional eating-- I realized last week that nothing I ate was going to make me feel better, and it has been really easy to make mostly sane food choices ever since. SILVER LINING.
Things I really should do:
1. Get Facebook of my phone and only check in once or twice a day on my laptop. I don't think it's making me happy anymore.
2. Drink more water-- a good idea in any circumstance, right?
Also, I haven't really yelled at anyone all week. This is mostly because I don't even care about shit like who wears a coat or where anyone's mittens are or what fucking time it is in relation to when the bell will ring at school. But pee all over the bathroom is starting to make med mad again, so this zen is probably short lived.
Is anybody else still reeling? Or maybe you really didn't like Clinton, and that's a surprisingly refreshing perspective for me to hear right now, too, because it helps me remember that the good/evil frame was just rhetoric-- seriously, I bought it hook line and sinker, and it's surprisingly resilient. Worst election frame EVAR.
Still reeling. A news diet and jumping into some causes is helping, but still reeling. Take care!
ReplyDeleteNo, you're not alone. I'm missing deadlines all over the place, and 'bout to head off shopping. Because THAT will make me feel better.
ReplyDelete*also wearing my Hillary sweatshirt ALL THE DAMN TIME. Because I want to.
Lilian
Be sure to read Hillary by Dolly Kyle.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't a Hillary fan, but definitely felt (feel) that pit of despair and fear. I keep thinking, I can't change the entire world solo, unfortunately. But, we aren't meant to change the world in our own, it changes when we all committee to doing what we can. So, I *can* make sure I am teaching my kids to be good people, to stick up for themselves and others, to love, to be continuously learning, to grow in character. I *can* make sure I am being a good daughter, wife, mother, friend, neighbor by showing love, empathy, compassion, and charity. I *can* make sure I strive to contribute to my neighborhood, city, parish, and community in small or big ways.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't feel like much when the world feels heavy, but the logical part of me knows that those small things make BIG waves.
I wasn't a Hillary fan, but definitely felt (feel) that pit of despair and fear. I keep thinking, I can't change the entire world solo, unfortunately. But, we aren't meant to change the world in our own, it changes when we all committee to doing what we can. So, I *can* make sure I am teaching my kids to be good people, to stick up for themselves and others, to love, to be continuously learning, to grow in character. I *can* make sure I am being a good daughter, wife, mother, friend, neighbor by showing love, empathy, compassion, and charity. I *can* make sure I strive to contribute to my neighborhood, city, parish, and community in small or big ways.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't feel like much when the world feels heavy, but the logical part of me knows that those small things make BIG waves.
I've been working on self care here, too. Also throwing myself into reading for work, listening to podcasts instead of NPR, no FB, not watching TV news (I basically know nothing about anything happening since Nov 9), and I'm still kind of in a funk. After writing a thank you note to HRC, I decided it would make me feel better to write notes to anyone I see fighting the good fight, so I'm making a list with the goal to send at least two per month for the next year. I started with our pastor and my sister-in-law. I'm also donating to PP and making it a personal goal to try to do more. It doesn't feel like enough, and I should probably do more yoga...
ReplyDeleteOh girl - I feel ya!! I'm off FB because it triggers my anxiety almost immediately. As for feeling hopeless - Yep, right there with you. I have no fucks left to give. I spent all semester being "fair" with political examples in class, but the last week (since I have no fucks to give) I've used only dumbass donald examples. He's the perfect example for unethical persuasion, so I just can't help myself.
ReplyDeleteHere's to hoping the holidays will improve my cheer. (Not likely as this will be the first Christmas I have no Ohio "home" to go to as my mum is now in a nursing home.)
NO FUCKS LEFT TO GIVE.
Cheers ~ Kelly Jo
I feel you, sister. I FEEL YOU. Sigh.
ReplyDelete