Picking up some of the balls I dropped

Before the miscarriage, I was on top of my shit.  Remember when I posted about all of the shit I was doing simultaneously?  Ugh.  I hate old smug me.  I still haven't picked up all of the balls I dropped, either.  Part of this is because without a baby-imposed deadline, I have more time to prep my classes, and the urgency that was driving me is not there anymore.

Now? I am just not quite on my game.  I have even stopped reading books.  I have a shelf full of overdue library books and keep staring at my phone during free time, which is actually just time I should be doing other things. I might need to go on a technology diet.  Seriously, I am so spacey and sluggish.

Case in point:  Ben called to chat while I was taking the little kids to school yesterday, and he said casually, "Oh, you should have made plans to  bring Jack's birthday snacks to school today."  I was like OH SHIT because I did in fact make plans to take Jack's birthday treats to school.  Before break.  Which I apparently FORGOT ALL ABOUT.  I thought about just getting donuts of a DQ cake, which is what most kids with working parents bring.  But then I was like no I am not just a working parent, I am also an overachiever with fucked up self confidence issues, so Dorothy and I ran to the nearest store (Wal Mart-- I HATE Wal Mart) and bought horrible things like Crisco.

 Then we ran home as fast as we could and slapped together these Cubs cakes to deliver to school.  I didn't even let them dry before I frosted them because that's how I live my life these days.  GAH.

 Jack is really into his art.

I am completely in love with this nude of Dorothy

But!  All of this is fluff because I really want to talk about the Whole30.  I did it religiously in February even though I was PREGNANT, and I loved it and didn't even think about cheating (fantasized about it, maybe).  But this time?  Or, I should say LAST TIME since I had to start over today?  I just can't keep my shit together.  Like, I will do OK for breakfast and lunch and then fall apart.  Or I will not even try, like this past weekend when I ate Twizzler after Twizzler in the car and and drank EVERYDAY.

The thing is, I can't figure out WHY.  Any insights?  According to Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies, I am an upholder, which means I meet internal and external expectations.  Do I just not WANT to do Whole 30?  So it's not an internal expectation?  I have an accountability group to help hold me to external expectations, but usually, I can do things that matter to me without the support of others.  And I LIKED the diet.  I LIKED eating so many servings of veggies, and I liked losing weight.  It's so frustrating.

I got back on the horse yesterday (and then ate 3 Reese's PB cups (minis) that I brought to my staff meeting), and plan to do the Whole26, stopping on my first annual 39th birthday.  I think I want to succeed, so what gives?