Oh, my friends. I think one of the reasons I love NaBloPoMo so much is that November can be a really hard month.
At my university (where we do not have a fall break!!) November is super stressful for students, especially younger students, because it has been so long since they have been home. They really miss their families, and they are really stressed out. They go home for Thanksgiving and feel better for a hot second but then also much worse— homesickness, comparison with friends, reactions perhaps to their appearance by family members who haven’t seen them in awhile, dread at going back to school to face finals and grades that maybe aren’t exactly where they need to be.
For faculty and staff, the stress sort of gets bumped down to us from the students. Committees all feel the need to meet before break. Gradging ramps up. Graduate students who do the work of running large undergrad courses feel similarly stressed, and then when they start to slip, we have to jump in to provide emotional support and do academic labor— IT IS A VERY LOT.
Plus! The weather is getting progressively drearier and colder. High school has big projects coming due, so those kids are all agitated. The little kids are starting to get really excited about looming holidays, and shopping lists start to spiral out of control.
And then! There’s the whole other layer of holiday food prep and making plans and leaving time to cherish memories, etc, while doing the very real and menial domestic labor of manufacturing the situations for those memories to happen.
We are, like, bombarded with messages about how happy we should be, but the work of making everyone happy is emotionally draining, you know???
And for me, holiday grief is still real. I know it has been 4 years (5 in April!!) since my dad died, and my grandma was in a nursing home for several years before she died of COVID, so it has been awhile since my whole family went to Des Moines for Thanksgiving and sometimes Hanukkah depending on the calendar, but every November, I miss those holidays and those faces around the table. My grandpa Jack who I haven’t seen since before Cooper was born! Bomma and her A+ matzoh ball soup! My dad, my dad, my dad, who I still want to talk to on the phone at least once a week and miss so sharply sometimes I have to sit down and close my eyes for a second.
November can be a heavy month, and that’s why I delight in all of your posts and comments and pictures and why I love having a running diary of mundanity to look at over the years and say to myself yes, November is gray and busy and sometimes lonely, but also so beautiful.
Cheers to quotidian beauty, typos and all. Typos especially?
 |
| Also, let’s not forget preschool ballet. Endless gratitude for that. |
All the hugs to you, for both the stress you are enduring and your beauty in articulating what makes this season so incredibly challenging.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so sorry about the greyness and dreariness, both internal and external. Missing your dad must be excruciating.
ReplyDeleteIt’s just really present this time of year
Delete“…miss so sharply sometimes I have to sit down and close my eyes for a second”
ReplyDeleteI felt this in my bones. 10 years and I also still miss my dad like this.
((Hugs))
DeleteThank the universe for Minnie pictures because there were two points in this post that brought me to tears: "We are, like, bombarded with messages about how happy we should be, but the work of making everyone happy is emotionally draining, you know???"
ReplyDeleteand
"My dad, my dad, my dad, who I still want to talk to on the phone at least once a week and miss so sharply sometimes I have to sit down and close my eyes for a second."
I really wonder about grief timetables--when will it feel better? When will memory be purely about happiness?
Wishing peace and some level of obliviousness about expectations and loss for all us now and then.
Ugh, will it ever be purely about happiness? I mean, I guess some memories are, even now…
DeleteI had never thought about how hard November is at the college level. All those points make so much sense - I remember many of those situation myself my Freshman year. At the middle school level we’re thinking about how close we are to Thanksgiving break and then Winter Break. This time of year feels like smoother sailing honestly. Except for all the sickness. Ho boy are a lot of kids our right now.
ReplyDeleteMy middle schooler is pretty happy, I must say. But for my kids the third quarter of middle school has always been rough- is that a pattern you see?
DeleteLisa here. You never need to justify missing your dad. It can be 30 years since his passing and you can say ‘I miss my dad.’ Full stop. Holiday season is tricky. I fear it will never be the same for my husband who lost his dad 10 years ago this past august. I didn’t truly know him until he had lost his dad. So I only know post-loss Phil. He is a man of limited emotions and yet I know it impacts him as we approach the holiday seasons. Hugs to you as it’s such a God awful loss.
ReplyDeleteThank you— this is an excellent point and a reminder to be gentle with myself.
DeleteI drafted a comment here while watching, OK- listening to a choir concert at a junior high, don't ask. Multi-tasking. Then I couldn't get internet and the comment disappeared before I got home. Grrr.
ReplyDeleteYou really did a great job of painting a picture of life at college in November - from different angles even. I appreciate your wise perspective. It sure can be a packed month. I'm already wondering when I will do Christmas shopping and humorous Christmas poem writing.
I'm fortunate in that I haven't lost a parent. Decades ago, when my folks left the country for a few weeks with my dad's job (before cell phones), I used that time to sort of 'practice' what it would be like if I lost them. It was so hard, and also fake - so not really a good test. All that to say, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to lose a parent. Having grief knock you off your feet from time to time sounds awful, but also unavoidable. XO
So frustrating when that happens to comments, and I completely understand the multitasking. Does this track with your own kids’ college experiences?
DeleteI hope this was a cathartic post for you. <3 Holidays without family that should be there are TOUGH. I know that firsthand. The holiday season can be such a joyous one, but such a hard one at the same time. Take care of yourself, friend!
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
DeleteSo much yes to all of this. Right there with you, my fellow academic. And also? It is so, so clear that you are a Writer with a capital W. Wow. Thank you for putting this into words. <3
ReplyDeleteYes, with all my posts about how much I love this season, I have to remind myself that it's not that way for everyone. The pressure, the grief, the overwhelm- I get it. Well we're here for you! Cheering you on from blogland. Hope you have plenty of bright spots as well.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about NaBloPoMo - November is the cruellest month no matter what T.S. Eliot says, and this helps. It doesn't matter how long it's been since your dad died, I don't see that ever not stinging. Big hugs to you. My daughter is in third year university and holy shit this month is a beast. And she doesn't even come home for Thanksgiving, or rather already did. I'm going to drive down in early December to deliver some cheer-up stuff and take her out for dinner, though.
ReplyDeleteWe can do it! Or we can do most of it and blog amusingly about the stuff we couldn't do!