It was FINE!!

 The colonoscopy was FINE!!

Something I want to do every day? No— but mainly because the prep was very time intensive. I mean, 4 liters is a LOT OF LAXATIVE, you guys. 

I was supposed to drink TWELVE 8-oz cups (oh the humanity!) of the stuff between 4-6pm the night before my procedure along with EIGHT 8-oz glasses of water. THAT IS A TON TO DRINK. I was so cold (because the prep tastes better refrigerated, apparently) after all of that fluid, though. I had to take a hot shower and use TWO couch blankets to watch TV.

I also could not eat anything after 10 am on Tuesday for a Wednesday procedure, and that sucked.I hate fasting. I could have clear liquids, popsicles, hard candy, etc (but nothing red because that looks like blood on the camera— an all other Gatorade flavors are gross). I ate some green jolly ranchers and drank a ton of apple juice and a little bit of Sprite. But mostly, I was just so freaking HUNGRY when the prep stopped moving through me. (At like 9:45 I had a giant coffee with cream and sugar from Dunkin Donuts along with one of their bagels with cream cheese which is a billion calories, so I was ok until around 4pm but then hungry for the next 18 hours— but I did sleep some of them away). (Also for 3 days before I had to eat a low fiber diet, so I was already missing my very favorite foods).

The first prep part was super fast as well and not at all painful or anything like that. Just kind of time consuming and gross. But fast!

And then! Because my procedure was at 9:30 am on Wednesday, I had to wake up at 3:30 am to drink the other 1/4 of the prep. Instead of spreading it out with one glass every 10 minutes, which is what the directions recommend  and what I did with the previous dose, I drank it all right away, figuring there was nothing left to come out of me, and I could just go back to sleep. Wrong and wrong. That was WAY TOO MUCH at once, and I felt just bloated and queasy for awhile. Next time I would stay awake longer and drink slower.

The prep doesn’t taste bad necessarily, but it has a definite feet smell and is the wrong texture for something you’re drinking even though it looks like plain old water. Mine came with lemon flavor powder, but the pharmacist said it was even grosser, so I didn’t try it. I did use a straw just to have some distance between my nose and the drink.

I also drank 40 oz of water at 3:30 am because I couldn’t have anything after 5:30, even water, and I am glad I did because I felt well hydrated all morning.

We dropped Minnie off at school and went a teeny bit early to the outpatient digestive health clinic, but it was PACKED, so this didn’t really speed anything along. I was worried that Ben would have to leave me there while he picked Minnie up, but everything was OK.

It was a really nice facility, and everyone there for a colonoscopy got a private room for pre and post procedure, so Ben was able to set up shop and stay there the whole time. A really nice (I know I just said that, but it’s the best bland descriptor for the whole ball of wax) nurse got me all checked in, and once I changed into a hospital gown and got hooked up to monitors, she gave me a heated blanket and started an IV. The doctor came in to meet us and tell me about the risks of the procedure and have me sign a consent form. I have never been sedated before so I was really nervous about that piece and asked him if it was too late to just go home and poop in a box.

He said he doesn’t think anyone should use cologuard because it just tells you if you have colon cancer whereas a colonoscopy actually prevents it. This was so succinct and persuasive that Ben made an appointment for a physical and a referral so he can get his own scope.

The doctor left to do the person ahead of me in line (this was peak HMO assembly line care, but in a good way) and said I’d be going to the procedure room soon.

30 minutes later another super nice nurse came to unhook my monitor and wheel my gurney down the hall. I told her I was nervous about the sedation (fentanyl and Versed), and she hooked up the procedure room monitors, got a blood pressure reading, helped me lie on my side like I was on a couch, gave me a really comfy pad and pillow, put an oxygen cannula in my nose, and said she was going to give a tiny dose of meds to start relaxing me but that I probably wouldn't fall—-

And then I woke up to her saying it was all over and I did a great job.

She wheeled me back to Ben, and I got a choice of snacks right away (I picked Diet Coke and peanut butter crackers and then asked for another pack of crackers that will probably cost ninety dollars when I get the bill). And that was it!! I had to stay in recovery for 30 minutes, which was plenty of time to halfway hear the doctor tell me about the results (I was lucid but not completely back to myself— I made 3 phone calls I do not remember, for example). 

I had 2 polyps, you guys!! They were both small (1mm and 4mm), and the doc said he thinks one is precancerous, meaning I will probably have to come back in 7 years, depending on pathology (which takes about a week). Needless to say, I am THRILLED that I did the procedure since I had absolutely no symptoms of anything. (If you are 45, you should think about doing it, too.) 

The rest of the day was basically me falling upon my lunch like a ravenous wolf and sleeping a lot. I took a sick day, obvi, since no work was happening, but I feel completely great today. All that anxiety for nothing! (Isn’t that always how it goes?)

Worst cocktail ever.

Minnie, entertaining her darn self while Ben had a call, and I was so so so so so so tired.