SO MANY FEELINGS.
I am so thankful for this wonderful blogging community. I had a core group of blog friends who stopped blogging when their kids got big (but I just kept having more kids), and I was mostly OK with a smattering of comments and emails from internet friends here and there for year. BUT THEN. Elisabeth started commenting here, and through her, I found so many wonderful writers and new friends. AND I AM SO GRATEFUL, especially now because Harry is leaving, and I have SOME FEELINGS about it. It is wonderful, for example, to hear Nicole and Jenny tell me how hard it is going to be and sort of give permission for big feelings. And to have Ernie assure me that kids grow up and still need you and everything is FINE even if it doesn't look like it always has. And to hear from old blogging friends like Maya and Julie and Allison who also prove that there is life and joyful connection on the other side of kids growing up.
I am feeling very Golden Girls about all of you (I want to be pretty like Blanche and just devastating like Dorothy, BTW) right now as my OG mom blog friends’ group text is getting Very Sad because we are all moving our OG blog babies into college and also menopause and WOW.
To do his part to help me prepare, Harry has been an absolute ASSHOLE to us and his siblings, and also moving a kid to college is a sinking hole of a money pit— sooooo I am also not not looking forward to the big day being behind us, you know?
Dance placements came out, and Dorothy made too many dances (a good problem for her ego but also she came up against our max line, and we had to turn two groups down which makes us the bad guys) but then a friend QUIT THE TEAM, and now I feel bad for passing on a great dance that needs another dancer. I have Lisa’s voice in my head about making decisions based on the end game, and I know it does not matter in the scheme of things if she does 5 or 6 dances, but it feels very important right now. And maybe my dance feelings are just a side shoot of college feelings and middle school feelings and having no kids at the neighborhood school this year and Minnie being such a big kid and also MENOPAUSE.
Look at these middle schoolers!
Have seen you on IG but not here so was hoping you were doing okayish. Hang in there - you are doing an amazing job (says the woman with precisely 0 children and 0 pets...). Dorothy will (eventually) forgive you, Minnie has a few years until college, menopause will someday be in the past, and Harry will survive even if he doesn't have every blinkin' thing he might need or want on the very first day. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am glad my pragmatic voice can be helpful for you. I am probably OVERLY pragmatic! We have had so many conversations about kid activities/sports involvement this week since we are kid-free so have more bandwidth for deep conversations. So I had a convo about it with Phil one night and then another one last night at our double date. It's hard to say no to things you know Dorothy would enjoy but it's also good to teach her about boundaries/limitations. But it's still hard! I am raising my eyebrows at the girl who quit dance because she wasn't happy with her placements!!! Gah! What is she learning by being able to quit?
ReplyDeleteAll that said, this is a BIG TRANSITION for you. My boss just took his oldest to college last weekend and he said he has been a sobbing mess. Change is hard and maybe Harry's jerky behavior is sort of his way of dealing with this change or making the separation when you drop him at college easier? Just give yourself a lot of grace right now because I think sending a child to college is one of the most emotional experiences a parent will have! Sending you lots of hugs from MN!
As a mom with many kids who've gone off to college, I encourage you not to buy much! Anything you carry into the dorm room ( probably up 3 flights of stairs because there's no elevator/it's broken) you must carry out, so make it easy on yourself! He'll add things if he wants them- a dorm room does not need to perfect to be functional. And half the stuff you send won't be used anyways. And there is invariably a Target run once you move him in as there will be one essential thing he missed. ( One of my boys forgot towels,- twice!).
ReplyDeleteSo dump the planning on him, he'll figure it out. Give yourself a break.
I am not sentimental anymore about sending kids off- they're going to a great place and will do fun things and I have less laundry to do. YMMV.
Awww I feel very Golden Girls about you too (I also want to be Blanche, but maybe not as, um, Blanche-like, but alas, I think I'm probably Rose). Hang in there! I think once the dust settled and Mark was at school, things really went well. I didn't worry about him at all the way I would have if he got home late, for example, because I had no idea where he was or what he was doing. It was actually strangely liberating. This is not to say I didn't miss him, but when I did see him there was so much fun stuff to catch up on. It was like, well, it felt like an accomplishment, having this amazing adult child who does things and makes decisions and is living his best life. HANG IN THERE!
ReplyDeleteDorothy's hair looks great - both ways, of course - but her new do is very lovely.
xoxoxo
PS MENOPAUSE GIRL YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE
Ah, he's "soiling the nest" before he moves out of it... I hear anecdotally that boys do it more than girls but it's all part of the process. We just moved our sophomore back to college - easier and harder this year. It's all such complicated feelings.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah! Your nest is still fun, full, and filled with love! Big kids are big fun and big feelings--all we can do is keep on loving and hope things and kinks work themselves out, you know? Good times and love come back in unexpected ways, and it's pretty magic. You're already feeling how hard this first drop off is going to be... I hope there is some softness to keep you as you rally. I know I will be thinking of you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThis whole post makes me glance into the future and know tht one day it's gonna be me, with Lyra and then Rainn going off to college.. Seriously, congratulations to Harry!
ReplyDeleteI LOL'd at Harry being an ASSHOLE because the one time my mom hit my brother was in the time leading up to him moving out, and he dealt with his complicated feelings by being an ass. I don't remember what the fight was about but she slapped him hard, and I DO remember being scared he would hit her back. He didn't, crises averted. Anyway, I think it's part of normal growing up, unfortunately. My Maya saved about $100k over 4 years by living with us while in college, so we didn't go through that particular bit of fun.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes go back and look at old blog posts from 18 or 19 years ago, and then I look at the comments and none of these people are blogging anymore and it makes me sad. HOWEVER, I am so glad to have met the cool bloggers and get to know everyone HERE. <3
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! I keep thinking about all my friends taking their kids to college for the first time. Yes, you're proud of him, yes, you'll still see him frequently, but it's the end of an era that you have loved, and you'll need some time to grieve. My son also got a little, tiny bit asshole-ish before his freshman year of college, and someone told me that's normal. It's their way of starting to separate from you, and making the transition a little easier. But it's still not easy!!! I'll be thinking about you, It sounds like you have so much going on to distract you, but you'll still find yourself crying in the grocery store (someone warned me about that too, and it happened. It's a thing!)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
(sits down to rewrite comment b/c the one I wrote wouldn't work while I was on my phone in MN. Grrr) Oh man. This is a hectic time. You have so many things happening. When Lad was a senior and getting ready to go to school, it was awful - but what was worse was when he transferred after freshman year. He mistreated everyone in the family, esp Mini. Guess who was the first one to ask him how he liked the kids on his water polo team when he came back to the hotel room after hanging out with the team that first night? Mini. It was amazing - like she seemed to get how important that was even though she was in like 6th grade. I decided as we drove away that he was anxious and had been worried all summer "What if I don't like this, my 2nd college?' Duh. It was as plain as the nose on my face, but yet I was so fed up with his BS that I didn't see it. *Not to say that your guy is anxious, and you're missing it - but dang, I've been in that What on earth is happening here? situation and it isn't easy.
ReplyDeleteThrilled that I found your blog. You always make me laugh and you're life is so full and busy and yet - you always seem to have fun. xo
The night before I left for college, my dad got shitfaced and I had to go pick him up from the bar. And then I proceeded to be shitty at him the entire next day when he was obviously hungover. I was a delightful child, obviously, unaware of my parents' sadness.
ReplyDeleteI am the most asshole-y to my mom when I am feeling anxious so I'm guessing there have been a lot of BIG FEELINGS for everyone involved. From IG, it seems like move-in day went as well as it could and at least you had the wedding to distract you! All I can say is feel all these big feelings - it's a hard transition!
ReplyDeleteI read somewhere, or saw somewhere, or maybe it was a meme, that teenagers are assholes in order to make it easier for us to let them go. But oof. It's a lot less fun to parent an actual adult being a jerk in the house than it is someone who will still go in time out. And I'm sure it would be nicer to spend these days liking each other. I think you did the right thing for Dorothy. You set the line for a reason. She'll be okay, and probably will be better for it because it will help her learn to set her own boundaries and limits. Sending hugs.
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