Anxiety is WILD

 Now that my anxiety flare is largely behind me (TWO NIGHTS OF NOT SLEEPING, much assuming I was suffering from something new and fatal, lots of just being an asshole to everyone around me), can I just say ANXIETY IS WILD.

 I adore Stephany’s post about panic attacks because her description is SO GOOD. Like, you know that your feelings and thoughts are not accurate, but you absolutely cannot stop them. EVEN KNOWING that it is a garbage thought train coming straight for you,YOU CANNOT HELP BUT JUMP ON. Or jump in front of it maybe is more accurate?

I am on a not fucking around antibiotic, and it gradually gave me really awful nausea and headaches and a bit of dizziness. But! The onset of all of these things was gradual, especially since I was expecting an upset stomach because that’s usually how antibiotics work for me. Anyway, the other day, my nausea and headaches really ramped up and I honest to god immediately diagnosed myself with a brain tumor and started, like, imagining how I would tell the kids and get through my diagnostic MRI with my claustrophobia. WHAT THE FUCK, BRAIN?

And the truly shitty thing is that I BELIEVED THIS REALITY.

I was like OMG I feel queasy when I am reading with my glasses on. The tumor must be pushing on my optic nerve and my vision is getting worse! OMG I feel nauseous in the morning. THIS IS CLEARLY BRAIN CANCER. OMG my head hurts so bad I have to take Tylenol for literally the third time in 3 years (I almost never take pills of any kind) THIS MUST BE THE END.

Anyway, like a switch being flipped, I feel better (anxiety-wise— I just took my last abx dose today, so still feel a little queasy), and it’s SO WEIRD. Like, clearly, anxiety is a chemical thing not just a mind-over-matter situation.

Last week, when I was feeling really jittery and anxious, I was so worried that my acupuncturist left the room to call 9-1-1 because my pulse was so fast (PULSES UNREMARKABLE. SHE WAS GETTING A POST-IT TO PUT ON MY SHIRT TO REMEMBER TO TAKE THE NEEDLE OUT OF MY CHEST). And then at the end, after she took the needles out, she pressed on my wrists, and I was like OMG ARE MY PULSES OK (acupuncture says pulses, not pulse **shrug**), and she was like IDK, I am just wiping a little blood. But I was already PANICKING in both of these situations. What the hell? Also, you guys, speaking of panic: Can you imagine leaving the clinic and going on your merry little way and then, like, happening to glance down at yourself only to see a NEEDLE STICKING OUT OF YOUR CHEST?! Thank goodness she left for a post-it.

ANYWAY. I talked to my doctor today and got some meds that I can take when I feel too freaked out. And also Xanax for the big stuff. And! I am starting talk therapy, too. NOT THE ESTROGEN BATH I WAS HOPING FOR, but good, I think.

Other things:

Dance szn:

Her goal is to be able to do with weird leg lift all the time

Minnie and I have been LOVING the park. All of the parks.

And! Even though she doesn’t start dance until next month, her tap shoes came in, and we picked them up while Dorothy had class and OMG SO CUTE