THANK YOU for the submission on my NaBloPoMo google form:
Division of household labor between you, your spouse, your kids for household management. Do you have a chore system? Just ask for kids to pitch in where needed? Etc.
Ben and I do an EXCELLENT job of being very egalitarian when it comes to our division of household labor. We take turns being totally in charge of the laundry. I clean the upstairs, and Ben cleans the downstairs when we do our big weekly cleans. We both pick up and unload grocery orders. When we are both home in the morning, we share equally in getting the kids out the door and cleaning up their junk tornados. Ben does more of the carpool driving. I change sheets. We both like to cook dinner. I prefer cleaning it up to night time parenting. We take turns with Minnie's bedtime. I wrote about how even-Steven we are for Madison Mom a million years ago.
I do think that I still carry a higher mental load burden day-to-day. But! Ben works more than I do, so I think it all comes out in the wash. Hashtag patriarchy.
The KIDS THOUGH! I wish we had been better at making them be helpful contributors sooner-- before the window of opportunity closed, when they were young and earnest and liked us (lol). They just sort of pitch in as needed, but it is up to us to delegate and nag and manage the whole enterprise. It would be awesome if they just had areas of the house they were responsible for maintaining. They big boys both have ADHD and from a young age, their executive function was not up to speed. The simple (to a neurotypical kid) task of cleaning up toys, for example, was overwhelming to them. Ben and I should have started helping them figure out how to tackle tasks in manageable chunks right then. but instead! Because we are always busy, we took the easier way out and just sort of did it ourselves, and this attitude really took hold. And you don't need to read every one of Aesop's fables to know that the easier way out is actual WAY HARDER in the long run. Tl;dr: Minnie busses her own dishes and uts away her own laundry and can pack up her own backpack, and she LOVES TO BE A HELPER.
How do chores work in your family?
Helping me repurpose Dorothy's old dance costumes into actual clothes:
My lights each have a room or area they pick up most days. They also work together to empty the dishwasher almost every time it is run.
ReplyDeleteI like the assignment of rooms— good idea!
DeleteMy husband does the dishes. He does most cat-related chores in the morning. He does laundry and irons clothes. There are things he does that I am unaware of - yardwork things, furnace filters, etc. I don't know what these things are and that's a serious problem if and when anything happens to him. He will clean if I give him specific jobs, but rarely cleans on his own. I do everything else - bathrooms, floors, dog walks, car maintenance, etc. I definitely have a heavier load of chores and mental load and I'm incredibly resentful of it. I work just as much (if not more than he does). I'm the one who always has to take time off for oil changes, so I have less time off for other things. We don't even have children.
ReplyDeleteI do understand my husband's point of view, though. He is exhausted when he gets home from work and we should be doing fun/relaxing things on the weekends, so when is supposed to get done. I think this is fair. But it also means I have to give up my fun/relaxing time to do them because I'm not as tired as he is after work.
OH! I have been sick for the last couple of weeks and he has done NOTHING re: housecleaning. I would be so mortified if someone walked into our house right now.
Ugh— I think you get to be tired after work too!
DeleteYeah for equality. It does sound you have a good system and I am sorry the kids don't chime in as much. I guess you learn while you go.
ReplyDeleteThe husband does the laundry – washing and folding. I do sheets and towels because I work from home and I can start it in the morning and it's done at night. I do the cooking unless it is omelets - that is his dish to do but I am sous chef. I tell him when it's omelette day.
He is mainly in charge of the car because he uses it and I refuse to take care of it even when it can be more convenient if I do it. But no. He wants it, he deals with it. Downside I rarely can take it.
I am in charge of everything regarding home repairs, communicating with the landlord and such things. Mainly because I like it and am home all day. Unfortunately they always call the husband first #patriarchy.
I like the he wants it/ he deals with approach
DeleteThings have become much more equal around here since Rob retired! Before that I took on the majority of the chores. He still does most of the outdoor ones, but the boys are very helpful in that way as well. The boys have also been good at cleaning, etc., although we only have one boy here now. I cook dinner every night and the guys clean up. Rob does his own laundry and I do the majority of the rest (although the boys generally do their own). Anything car related goes under Rob's jurisdiction.
ReplyDeleteI definitely do the things I LIKE, like cooking, for example.
Deletemarried mom of 6, ages 4-17. We do yearly rotation of chores for the kids. That way they don't complain as much about "you hosted a party during my week/day of dishwasher" etc. Our 10 year old son with ADHD currently has unloading the dishwasher as his chore this year and it's hard. Some days there might be 4 loads! But he is persevering, and we are timing it to show him that it's not actually that long. Certainly shorter than when his older sister has to drive him to a playdate/sports/etc.
ReplyDeleteI do 95% of the mental load, but my husband does all middle of the night parenting and all vomit and trash. Very useful when something gross happens! He also makes breakfast, cleans it up, and drives kids to school. I cook dinner, but generally my husband also cleans that up (although I clean as I go as well).
Ooooh a YEARLY rotation— I love this
DeleteWe divide up chores according to ability. My husband is major repairs, car maintenance, dishes most night, and kid pick up sometimes. I do laundry, cook, clean, and household stuff that I can manage ( unclogging toilets, raking leaves, shoveling snow, etc.). The kids help- we've tried to instill a mentality of "if you see it, do it" as that's how we are, but with mixed success. The kids help with mowing, laundry, vacuuming, dishes, picking up, and watching their sister when I'm running errands. I have 2 daughters who are slobs in private but are great if you need help at work or for a big task.
ReplyDeleteEverytime we tried a formal chore chart, it would fall apart after a few days. It seems as much as I live the idea, I can't consistently enforce it.
I need to train my youngest daughter to put her laundry away, but first her dresser needs a major clean out.
Love the if you see it do it mentality
DeleteI'm afraid we didn't really raise our daughter as a big helper around here either. She has always had to do the dishes after dinner (since she's been old enough at least), and that's good.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was the queen of this. She was a single mom with 2 kids, and she got us started early. We would rotate. One kid had kitchen/dining room duty, the other kid had living room and bathrooms. We had daily chores, weekly chores, and monthly chores. We did not get paid for doing our chores, BUT we got an allowance that was not tied to getting things done. She had binders that step by step told us what she wanted done when. In other words, she would come and organize your life for you if you wanted (for a fee of course, she knew her worth). I could have done this, but did not. I didn't want to be the bossy pushy person to lay down rules like this in my marriage. Looking back, there were certainly ways I could have done something similar and had everyone on board (not happy, who wants to do chores?), but I didn't. My mom also taught us to meal plan and we each had to cook 2 nights a week once we were old enough. My brother tried to get out of it by cooking lazy things, like microwave burritos or waffles from a mix. Nope, we ate them. Props to my mom, she was the best.
So, my daughter's only real chores have been to keep her room clean (or close the door so we don't have to see it) and do the dishes after dinner. She's 28 and gets the kitchen cleaner than either my husband or me (I think that's her anxiety and wanting a sense of control.) I work from home, so I do the majority of the laundry. I don't want people coming home and doing it during peak energy hours.
That's a long way of saying, hey, you're doing great with Minnie. Good job you. The other kids will be fine, it's just crummy that you and your husband do all of the cleaning. (I don't actually think it's too late. I think you could sit down with the and say something like, "We should have done this sooner, but we didn't. Time to step up." It's possible.)
Awwwww your mom DOES sound like the best
DeleteHmmm. I definitely do more of the day-to-day housecleaning. My husband is the type to let things pile up, and then finally have a huge cleaning spree. It doesn't really work, and our house is pretty messy. I also dropped the ball on making the kids help, and I don't have the excuse of ADHD. It's always been so much easier to just do it myself. I think you have to start early and accept the fact that there will be a learning curve, and it will eventually pay off. But I didn't do that.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree— and I did not do it either LOL
DeleteMy boys (15, 12, 9, 6) tidy their rooms, empty the dishwasher, and walk the dog. They have good attitudes when asked to do other chores, but I wish I had taken a stronger "notice and do" approach in order to teach them to NOTICE what has to be done rather than do it when Mom asks.
ReplyDeleteOh, and the older two do the dishes every night and basically have to "put the kitchen to bed". Honestly, my oldest was really only ready for this when he turned 14. He also has ADHD and his executive functioning was just not up to it until then. It has been great for him though and I feel less stressed about him being able to take care of himself when he moves out eventually.
DeleteYes— the NOTICE piece is huge.
DeleteIt's really interesting to see how people divide and conquer chores. I've always been home, so I've always done the laundry and most of the day to day housework. In recent years Coach has recognized (or had help recognizing) that I am more busy with my daycare and other responsibilities and would appreciate a break from some chores in order to work on other things. He pitches in around the house more, but most of it does still fall to me. He grills dinner quite often on his earlier nights. He also doesn't work quite as late as we once did. *he cut his late nights back a bit when we tried to adopt the two boys in '21 and no one every complained and he comes home between 7:30 and 8 on his late nights vs 9 pm. Game changer. I totally recognize that we are 'old fashioned' in much of how we handle home stuff, but it works for us. Ex: he does the lawn/outdoor stuff and the garbage. I'm laundry, teacher communication, and groceries. He will help sort laundry esp when he notices I'm spread thin. This also means many items get put in the wrong piles.
ReplyDeleteI relate SO much to your issues with kids pitching in. Lad and Tank have ADHD and we didn't make any of them do very much when they were young. I look back and pics and videos and the toys were out of control everywhere, and I think my approach was Ugh, they'll just wake up tomorrow and make the same mess again, let's leave it. I did have a chore chart and a reward system in the shape of a movie ticket collection thing in order to watch a family movie. Ask me how often I ever barred a child from a family movie night? Nowadays, I let chores for busy kids slide until they have time. Varsity athletes with several AP classes focus on studies and I require more of them when they have a break, etc.
Agree— they ARE busy
DeleteI am always reluctant to reply to these kinds of posts because honestly it's not very equal. I do have to say exactly what needs doing, but for a lot of things it feels almost easier if I just do it myself. My daughter is helping more, the kids both clean their rooms and the bathroom if I remind them. We don't have a real system.
ReplyDeleteThis resonates with me— I am definitely the chores cruise director.
DeleteI think the good news is that kids always learn these things eventually— I agree that I want them to focus on all their other stuff, not the house.
ReplyDelete