THANK YOU for this submission on my NaBloPoMo post ideas form:
How do you handle technology with your kids (and how has it changed over the years). New middle school parent here and looking for advice from more seasoned parents about what’s worked/not worked, what you love/hate about kids having phones, etc.
I have NEVER been very pearl-clutchy about screen time. I have always felt like if I want the kids to put down their screens, then I need to have something better for them to do. So, if I need to get work done, I care NOT AT ALL what kind of screen a kid is using. And I will say-- none of the kids is even a little bit weird about screens, even though everyone but Minnie has a phone and also a TV in their bedroom. (Minnie has an iPad, though). Each boy has his very own XBox, and Dorothy has a Nintendo Switch. Everyone has their own computer and/or iPad (H and J have both). WE HAVE A LOT OF SCREENS, is what I am saying.
We have a few basic practices: no screens at the dinner table (a policy for all). No texting while driving (duh). No phones or computers in bedrooms overnight (even Ben and me).
I also set iPhone screen time limits as needed. Dorothy and Cooper do not use their phones AT ALL during the school day (I think because schools have gotten really good really quickly at establishing healthy screen boundaries), so I am not worried about them, generally. Jack and Harry both needed iPhone screen time limits in high school or they would waste so much time on their phones. I am interested to see how this works for Dorothy and Cooper who have grown up with more phones in school and way better phone policies. Maybe they will not need me to manage from afar? I love Apple screen time controls-- very easy to navigate as a parent and a kid, and they have provided great limits, as far as I am concerned.
(I have no idea how Harry is doing in college without any screen guardrails. I know that college instructors generally don't care if you are depriving yourself of learning, so I hope he is able to self-regulate.)
(Also, when gun violence at school is no longer a thing, then kids can be phone-free at school. Until then, I want them to have phones-- that's my hot take).
Cooper signed up for Instagram literally ON HIS 13th BIRTHDAY. Harry and Jack both have IG and Snap Chat, and Harry is sort of on FB and I assume on Tik Tok. Dorothy can have IG when she's 13, too. I am not on Snap Chat or Tik Tok, so I feel less good about those until the kids are older. I think Harry got Snap Chat as a sophomore because that's how all his friends were making plans, so he needed it to communicate, and I was sympathetic to that argument. I have no idea when he got Tik Tok-- I assume over the summer when I took all the parental controls off his phone (LOL). I put 1-hour social media limits on the kids' phones, but I usually approve extra time requests when they come in.
We have talked as a family about the idea of a digital footprint, and Ben and I love to share stories about people doing dumb stuff on the internet and facing huge consequences in their real lives as food for thought. Kind of like how in college Ben's mom used to send him obituaries of people with lung cancer after she found out he was a smoker.
We just don't really make screen time an issue, and it has never been an issue. Generally, the kids watch TV every day. They generally play some kind of video game most days. Minnie plays on her iPad when we drive to diving and dance.(Although she has started to get into audio books in the car and I love this for both of us. Sideways Stories from Wayside School was a HUGE hit, also The Weirdies. We are currently starting the Ramona series, and she is not in love yet **sob**) Dorothy is constantly texting and chatting with friends. But! They also play with toys and go outside and read and draw and do lots of other things.
For us, the kids get phones the Christmas of their 5th grade year-- this is when activities run later and longer, and I want to make sure they can be dropped off and have a way to get in touch with me. Plus I can track their every move on Life360, which is so, so satisfying.
I think I am in the minority among parents I now in terms of screen time regulation. Most people have much stricter limits and these complicated management systems (before you can have screens you must ..., etc). For us, screen use/TV watching has just sort of ebbed and flowed organically. Usually, the kids are more interested in doing other stuff, and, so far, we haven't had any dramZ about screens.
Dorothy's pediatrician asked about screen limits at her last check up, and Dorothy said, "Um, well, my TV has a sleep timer?" Then the doctor asked more pointedly about phones at the table and social media, and Dorothy was like "Of course not," to phones at dinner and "I'm not even a teenager!" to the social media question. LOL for days.
Movie night, my fave screen time:
Minnie, not choosing a screen, even though she totally can have one any time:
I think I have the same lack of boundaries as you. We have 4 desk top computers in the house, maybe 7? Laptops, and several gaming systems. (I don't even know how many anymore.) My kids can play on the technology when they want to. The only rule is- for this younger bunch- do homework after dinner before getting on pc/laptop/switch/.... They generally don't have a phone until high school. We had a small phone for anyone 8th grade and under to take when needed. I do need to set some limits for one kid sometimes. However, given the amount of time my husband and I spend on computer ( for work, research, and reading blogs), I'd feel hypocritical to come down too hard. The boys have no interest in social media sites. The hs freshman mostly got a phone to receive text alerts for band and other school activities.
ReplyDeleteI am anti-cell phone at school. Our school had let the teachers decide what to enforce in the classrooms, and it became chaos after covid. The students seemed to think they could be on their phone all the time, and a lot of social media conflict would lead to trouble in the halls. And some parents/friends had no qualms about calling/interrupting during call.The administration started a new rule this year - phone in clear backpack or locker during school day. Off. And it's helped a lot. Tensions are down, and the teachers can enforce the rule across the board.
And, as a college teacher, if my students play on their phone during class, that's their problem. I have only asked people to leave if they distract others. However, I'm more skeptical when offering help to the chronic cell phone users.
I don't have kids so this is out of my wheelhouse. However, I did have to impose a rule on my parents that there were to be no cell phones at the dinner table, which is ironic because they were very adamant when we were kids that we engage while having dinner! I thought it was funny how the tables have turned!
ReplyDeleteLAUGHED OUT LOUD: "Kind of like how in college Ben's mom used to send him obituaries of people with lung cancer after she found out he was a smoker." Lolololol that is such a Mom Move. Anyway. I also was pretty lax about screen time, I knew a few friends who had earned screen time or what have you and it made their kids absolutely obsessed. I mean, I probably could have been stricter but meh, what are you going to do. They are healthy well-balanced people now and whatever they do with their screens at this point is not my business. I actually wish my husband had less screen time. He's forever sending me "funny" reels on IG and, well.
ReplyDeleteOh and obviously no screens at the table is a hard and fast rule over here, also "no looking at phones while having a conversation" because that's just good manners in society.
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah I am so jealous of your lack of screen DramZ. My kiddo gets so sucked in to screens, and then also seems to have severe personality effects after being absorbed in screens, that it is a CONSTANT BATTLE around here. Not that my husband or I are the best models for Healthy Screen Usage, argh argh argh.
ReplyDeleteYah, we've kind of given up on freaking out about screens. Perhaps some might say we've "succumbed", but I don't know... I just can't add another thing to worry about all the time. Our kids have always been probably a little heavy on the screens- like they played video games from a young age, we let them play on our iphones even when quite young somtimes, etc. Now both in high school, their big "screen time" comes from their phones and Xbox. Neither one literally watches any TV at all. (I sometimes wish they did? I feel like they're missing out!) On their phones, they don't really currently have "restrictions" anymore, though we still have to approve new app downloads and stuff. For social media they both just use Snapchat. And they spend a lot of time playing dumb games on their phones- Brawlstars, I think?- with friends. And I think they watch Youtube stuff. If they're home and have free time, their go to is Xbox, always connected with friends. That's basically it. I do actually let them keep their phones in their rooms at night, but it's never been an issue for us. They don't like stay up all night on them or anything.
ReplyDeleteI feel like our boys are active in sports, they both work, etc... so it's not like they are just staring at their phones constantly and refusing to do anything. I guess I feel like so long as they are "participating in life" and not letting screens dominant every waking moment, they're ok? I do feel like we could do a little better at enforcing some more screen free down time at home... both boys used to be huge readers and this has drastically dropped off in recent years. Overall my consensus is that they're probably on their phones too much (but aren't we all....) but overall they seem to be good kids who do well in school and are doing ok, so, let's not freak out about it. Ha.