THANK YOU for this submission on my NaBloPoMo post ideas form:
How do you handle technology with your kids (and how has it changed over the years). New middle school parent here and looking for advice from more seasoned parents about what’s worked/not worked, what you love/hate about kids having phones, etc.
I have NEVER been very pearl-clutchy about screen time. I have always felt like if I want the kids to put down their screens, then I need to have something better for them to do. So, if I need to get work done, I care NOT AT ALL what kind of screen a kid is using. And I will say-- none of the kids is even a little bit weird about screens, even though everyone but Minnie has a phone and also a TV in their bedroom. (Minnie has an iPad, though). Each boy has his very own XBox, and Dorothy has a Nintendo Switch. Everyone has their own computer and/or iPad (H and J have both). WE HAVE A LOT OF SCREENS, is what I am saying.
We have a few basic practices: no screens at the dinner table (a policy for all). No texting while driving (duh). No phones or computers in bedrooms overnight (even Ben and me).
I also set iPhone screen time limits as needed. Dorothy and Cooper do not use their phones AT ALL during the school day (I think because schools have gotten really good really quickly at establishing healthy screen boundaries), so I am not worried about them, generally. Jack and Harry both needed iPhone screen time limits in high school or they would waste so much time on their phones. I am interested to see how this works for Dorothy and Cooper who have grown up with more phones in school and way better phone policies. Maybe they will not need me to manage from afar? I love Apple screen time controls-- very easy to navigate as a parent and a kid, and they have provided great limits, as far as I am concerned.
(I have no idea how Harry is doing in college without any screen guardrails. I know that college instructors generally don't care if you are depriving yourself of learning, so I hope he is able to self-regulate.)
(Also, when gun violence at school is no longer a thing, then kids can be phone-free at school. Until then, I want them to have phones-- that's my hot take).
Cooper signed up for Instagram literally ON HIS 13th BIRTHDAY. Harry and Jack both have IG and Snap Chat, and Harry is sort of on FB and I assume on Tik Tok. Dorothy can have IG when she's 13, too. I am not on Snap Chat or Tik Tok, so I feel less good about those until the kids are older. I think Harry got Snap Chat as a sophomore because that's how all his friends were making plans, so he needed it to communicate, and I was sympathetic to that argument. I have no idea when he got Tik Tok-- I assume over the summer when I took all the parental controls off his phone (LOL). I put 1-hour social media limits on the kids' phones, but I usually approve extra time requests when they come in.
We have talked as a family about the idea of a digital footprint, and Ben and I love to share stories about people doing dumb stuff on the internet and facing huge consequences in their real lives as food for thought. Kind of like how in college Ben's mom used to send him obituaries of people with lung cancer after she found out he was a smoker.
We just don't really make screen time an issue, and it has never been an issue. Generally, the kids watch TV every day. They generally play some kind of video game most days. Minnie plays on her iPad when we drive to diving and dance.(Although she has started to get into audio books in the car and I love this for both of us. Sideways Stories from Wayside School was a HUGE hit, also The Weirdies. We are currently starting the Ramona series, and she is not in love yet **sob**) Dorothy is constantly texting and chatting with friends. But! They also play with toys and go outside and read and draw and do lots of other things.
For us, the kids get phones the Christmas of their 5th grade year-- this is when activities run later and longer, and I want to make sure they can be dropped off and have a way to get in touch with me. Plus I can track their every move on Life360, which is so, so satisfying.
I think I am in the minority among parents I now in terms of screen time regulation. Most people have much stricter limits and these complicated management systems (before you can have screens you must ..., etc). For us, screen use/TV watching has just sort of ebbed and flowed organically. Usually, the kids are more interested in doing other stuff, and, so far, we haven't had any dramZ about screens.
Dorothy's pediatrician asked about screen limits at her last check up, and Dorothy said, "Um, well, my TV has a sleep timer?" Then the doctor asked more pointedly about phones at the table and social media, and Dorothy was like "Of course not," to phones at dinner and "I'm not even a teenager!" to the social media question. LOL for days.
Movie night, my fave screen time:
Minnie, not choosing a screen, even though she totally can have one any time:
I think I have the same lack of boundaries as you. We have 4 desk top computers in the house, maybe 7? Laptops, and several gaming systems. (I don't even know how many anymore.) My kids can play on the technology when they want to. The only rule is- for this younger bunch- do homework after dinner before getting on pc/laptop/switch/.... They generally don't have a phone until high school. We had a small phone for anyone 8th grade and under to take when needed. I do need to set some limits for one kid sometimes. However, given the amount of time my husband and I spend on computer ( for work, research, and reading blogs), I'd feel hypocritical to come down too hard. The boys have no interest in social media sites. The hs freshman mostly got a phone to receive text alerts for band and other school activities.
ReplyDeleteI am anti-cell phone at school. Our school had let the teachers decide what to enforce in the classrooms, and it became chaos after covid. The students seemed to think they could be on their phone all the time, and a lot of social media conflict would lead to trouble in the halls. And some parents/friends had no qualms about calling/interrupting during call.The administration started a new rule this year - phone in clear backpack or locker during school day. Off. And it's helped a lot. Tensions are down, and the teachers can enforce the rule across the board.
And, as a college teacher, if my students play on their phone during class, that's their problem. I have only asked people to leave if they distract others. However, I'm more skeptical when offering help to the chronic cell phone users.
I agree that schools need good policies-- our high school left it up to teachers at first, too, and Harry and Jack did a bad job regulating (duh, I guess)
DeleteI don't have kids so this is out of my wheelhouse. However, I did have to impose a rule on my parents that there were to be no cell phones at the dinner table, which is ironic because they were very adamant when we were kids that we engage while having dinner! I thought it was funny how the tables have turned!
ReplyDeletehahahahaha-- the irony!
DeleteLAUGHED OUT LOUD: "Kind of like how in college Ben's mom used to send him obituaries of people with lung cancer after she found out he was a smoker." Lolololol that is such a Mom Move. Anyway. I also was pretty lax about screen time, I knew a few friends who had earned screen time or what have you and it made their kids absolutely obsessed. I mean, I probably could have been stricter but meh, what are you going to do. They are healthy well-balanced people now and whatever they do with their screens at this point is not my business. I actually wish my husband had less screen time. He's forever sending me "funny" reels on IG and, well.
ReplyDeleteha! ben does that too!
DeleteOh and obviously no screens at the table is a hard and fast rule over here, also "no looking at phones while having a conversation" because that's just good manners in society.
ReplyDeleteyes! agree with both!
DeleteOh Sarah I am so jealous of your lack of screen DramZ. My kiddo gets so sucked in to screens, and then also seems to have severe personality effects after being absorbed in screens, that it is a CONSTANT BATTLE around here. Not that my husband or I are the best models for Healthy Screen Usage, argh argh argh.
ReplyDeleteugh-- constant battles are the pits.
DeleteYah, we've kind of given up on freaking out about screens. Perhaps some might say we've "succumbed", but I don't know... I just can't add another thing to worry about all the time. Our kids have always been probably a little heavy on the screens- like they played video games from a young age, we let them play on our iphones even when quite young somtimes, etc. Now both in high school, their big "screen time" comes from their phones and Xbox. Neither one literally watches any TV at all. (I sometimes wish they did? I feel like they're missing out!) On their phones, they don't really currently have "restrictions" anymore, though we still have to approve new app downloads and stuff. For social media they both just use Snapchat. And they spend a lot of time playing dumb games on their phones- Brawlstars, I think?- with friends. And I think they watch Youtube stuff. If they're home and have free time, their go to is Xbox, always connected with friends. That's basically it. I do actually let them keep their phones in their rooms at night, but it's never been an issue for us. They don't like stay up all night on them or anything.
ReplyDeleteI feel like our boys are active in sports, they both work, etc... so it's not like they are just staring at their phones constantly and refusing to do anything. I guess I feel like so long as they are "participating in life" and not letting screens dominant every waking moment, they're ok? I do feel like we could do a little better at enforcing some more screen free down time at home... both boys used to be huge readers and this has drastically dropped off in recent years. Overall my consensus is that they're probably on their phones too much (but aren't we all....) but overall they seem to be good kids who do well in school and are doing ok, so, let's not freak out about it. Ha.
right-- having jobs and friends and sports and other things to do makes the screen thing seem like NBD
DeleteI appreciate your chill, pragmatic tone around this topic. There is a lot of pearl clutching around this topic. We use screens to give ourselves a break. Taco and Paul both have iPads. taco’s only has PBS kids and Khan academy; Paul has more stuff like hot wheels, Pokémon and a Mario bros like type of game. They don’t get screens on week nights but we don’t have many hours to fill since we get home around 5 and taco goes up to bed around 7. I watch 3 episodes of bluey with them before bed and enjoy it almost as much as they do. They get screen time on weekend mornings and afternoons. I do tons of stuff with them so don’t feel guilt around this. I don’t look forward to them having phones but that is a ways off for us!!
ReplyDeletephones have been super convenient fr us-- and I think boys are so much more chill about social media-- I am glad I had boys first to sort of ease in
DeleteMy kids each have iPads and get lots of screen time but not limitless. We generally just delay the “start” time bc that’s easiest to manage by far. Certain of my kids would be on it 16 hrs a day if that was an option (and I don’t think it’s just bc we didn’t give them free reign, I think it’s a personality thing!).
ReplyDeleteA is 12.5 and wants snap chat and I have told her no for now bc I’m just feeling like the maturity level of 7th graders means the potential for very stressful stuff to come out of it is high. I don’t want the kids on social media until a bit older (thinking high school).
I also don’t love certain YouTube for little kids and we’ve tried to steer G away from that to more shows, movies , games whatever. Her fave is toca boca world which is a glorified dollhouse. Fine w me!!
right after I wrote this I happened to see a snap chat notification on Coop's phone and made him delete the app (I did not even know he had it, but he must have grabbed it from the cloud since Harry and Jack already had it **eye roll**) We also do not use YouTube at all.
DeleteWe don't have any set limits. TV is never earned. Neither kid has phones, but they each have a device to listen to audiobooks/music at night. They also share a Chromebook which they use to watch things in the upstairs of our house (no TV upstairs). We do sometimes watch something while we eat which I LOVE! Maybe once a week over one meal. I'm a big fan.
ReplyDeleteI was more worried when the kids were young, though even then we never had a system. Now I feel like they're quite busy and are doing lots of activities that don't involve screens. Some days they don't really have a ton of time to watch anything. I figure it will all be fine. It's one thing about parenting I just don't have to stress about.
Now social media is another thing. I THINK next year (at 14) our daughter will get a phone for high school and I hate the thought.
I am actually dreading Dorothy getting on social media because of all the mean girling, etc.
DeleteLack of boundaries over here as well! I've always felt that if kids are doing plenty of non-screen activities, then I'm not going to worry about it when they do have screen time. For my daughter, her phone is an INTEGRAL part of her social life, that's just the way it is. I would change it if I could, but it's not up to me. I do have to say that it varies with each individual- the same way there are people who can handle alcohol in moderation and people who are alcoholics, there are people who are much more susceptible to screen addictions. If your kid has a real problem, then you should probably intervene. Anyway- great post!
ReplyDeleteagree-- when they have a bunch of IRL stuff going on, screen are sort of minimal
DeleteThis is a great topic. Our kids get a phone when they are heading to high school. Reg got his in January of 8th grade, because his idiot friends refused to reach out to him on our landline and they left him out of things. A few months later we were in lockdown and I was glad he had a way to stay connected to friends. I was even happier when he decided he needed new friends in hs.
ReplyDeleteWe don't have limits on the stuff they use on their phone, and lately I've been feeling really guilty about this. I keep hearing how social media is challenging for teens and I wish I'd paid more attention. My kids have snapchat, because that's how friends communicate. I think some have tic toc and IG.
We don't have phones at the table. Early on we had a no phones in your bedrooms rule. Now, they use their phones to set their alarms. I think Mini and Curly sometimes watch shows on their phones before bed. Curly canNOT hear us when she's in her room with earbuds in, so I've threatened to have her leave the phone downstairs, because I DO NOT WANT TO CLIMB THE STAIRS TO TELL YOU IT'S TIME FOR DINNER.
All of our kids are really active playing sports, involved in clubs, and they all work hard in school and they have nice friends, so I do think they have decent balance.
When the two little girls (7th and 8th) reach high school, they'll probably only get a chat phone. No internet. They proved to us that they cannot handle internet access.
I really do think the proof is in the pudding re: balance
DeleteOur daughter is older, and didn't have a smart phone until High School. Her screens were computer games and TV, and we had a 1/2 hour a day limit on school days, 1 hour on weekends. Of course we made exceptions for watching a movie, but little kid movies weren't much longer than that anyway. I don't remember when we lifted all of that, it's been too long ago now. Now she spends all day (when she's not working) playing video games on her computer.
ReplyDeleteI will say, Dorothy, Cooper, and Jack are not home long enough to have any screen issues on school days-- they are SO BUSY!
DeleteI would love to go back in time, simply as an experiment, to see how life would be different for us now if we had not set screen time rules. Since our kids were very young, they had a set "screen time" during the day. I thought that was a reasonable way to set limits and, as I was a SAHM, a set time when I had a break. But whether it was the approach itself or the personality of my oldest, it had the effect of making them all pretty obsessive about it. ("how much longer til screen time" etc). My problem is that I honestly don't think they would choose to do something else if I said, "have it all day!" Even if we were to go a month of no limits, I don't think they would tire of it. (Again, I think this is very much influenced by my oldest, who is not neurotypical). They play Minecraft and Roblox mostly. Ugh. Honestly, this is such an issue for me and an aspect of my parenting I feel terrible about.
ReplyDeleteI think it's all about the kids' personalities and nothing that you would have been able to change. This seems to be the case with SO MUCH about kids
DeleteThis is very interesting to read. It seems you handle it perfectly and that your kids do have a healthy understanding of screen time.
ReplyDeletethanks :)
DeleteLike Lisa said, I love your chill, pragmatic tone about this. Perhaps it's BECAUSE you're so chill that your kids are able to self-regulate more? But I also know that some kids just can't handle too much screen time and aren't able to self-regulate. (I mean, a lot of ADULTS can't self-regulate, ha). I think having lots of non-screen activities available + having your kids involved in sports probably helps, too!
ReplyDeleteI think it's mostly about the personality of the kids
DeleteI love your lack of angst about this and seeing so many similarly low-angst posts.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are 4 and 7 and have no access to (or awareness of, I think) social media. They do, however, have iPads, but they can't download apps to them without permission, and the 4-year-old's interest is definitely self-limiting. For long-term entertainment, I'm much better off giving her a big roll of stickers.
We have iPad limits at the start and end of the day, just to make sure people sleep. On weekdays, there isn't a ton of time for screens - maybe half an hour of iPad in the morning and half an hour of TV before dinner. On weekends, depending on our schedule, there may be a little (or a lot) more iPad time, or we might watch a movie.
The thing is, talking about "screen time" is kind of silly. It's fun to watch a movie together as a family when it's raining outside! Why would it be better to play a board game, lose half the pieces, and have a giant tantrum about the concept of rules? If my 7-year-old is spending two hours programming a game to teach my 4-year-old math, and they are both happy about it, why should I try to replace this with screen-free "unstructured play" which, twenty minutes ago, consisted of the 7-year-old trying to cover the 4-year-old's face with tape?
yes, I agree with how you characterize "screen time"talk-- I think that's why I never went all in on limits-- it seemed like kind of a made up problem
DeleteLike so much else in your life, Sarah (making three beds in ten minutes? How?!) I don't know HOW you make it this work, but it's working so much better than all my paranoiac rules did. You're absolutely right that strict rules made my kids kind of obsess about screen time. Self-regulation did seem to work better. Child safety on the internet is a big thing for me because of all the training from child advocacy, but other than that actual time is no longer the big deal it once was.
ReplyDeleteohh yes internet safety!! they can't play xbox live with people they don't know IRL; they have private social media accounts; we avoid YouTube and also games like Roblox.
DeleteThis is so interesting to me bc kids are all so different. My eight-year-old has been screen obsessed from a very young age and we’ve had to set limits so he would legitimately watch TV and do nothing else. We used to watch TV before bed for about an hour, but he was coming in from having fun with friends outside when it was screen time or he would not want to participate in sports that were at nighttime because they would interfere w his time. We cut out screens during the week and now we never hear any complaints about it!! Hard rules have definitely helped where when he has more access he just wants to do nothing else. He does have ADHD and I have heard from his psychologist that that this is common with kids like him!
ReplyDeleteCooper gets like that a bot with Fortnite-- that game is The Worst
DeleteWarning: I feel very strongly about screens but this is what we do.
ReplyDeleteI literally have a pencil in my butt- that's how uptight I am about screens. This may bite me in the butt later in life but whatever- this is the hill I am willing to die on. No screens during the week, at all. On weekends they can get a TV show here and there, which amounts to maybe an hour?... If it's a legit movie- say, the Polar express, no problem, you can watch it with no interruptions since I wouldn't want to be interrupted if I watch a movie. I would gladly watch that movie with you.
Fluff - i.e. YouTube, etc is very limited. We set timers- 15 minutes at a time, and once that time runs out, that's IT, you can find something to do. And if I hear "I'm bored" I will gladly - gladly - find you something to do, like dusting the shelves. Or sweeping. Or raking leaves.
Also, when they ask to watch something which is not often, I evaluate - what's the weather like, is it nice outside, have they been outside, have they engaged with the world IRL yet, are their rooms tidy, is the living room a mess, have they put away their breakfast dishes, etc etc.
In a situation where they have been outside, went to an activity (skates, gymnastics, Legos, been outside, been on a playdate) and otherwise engaged with the world, then no problem - watch something for a brief period. If not- screens do not come before anything else.
Lastly, TV is a lesser evil IMO that can actually foster a sense of togetherness so we lean toward that. L tried to fight me on that- she wanted to bring her iPad to her room- hell to the NO, child.
See how uptight I am? LOL Also, when I alternate between YOU and THEY - I mean my kids.
Oh my kids are 4 and almost 7 for reference
DeleteI agree re: TV. And I don't like YouTube AT ALL-- the kids do not watch it.
DeleteI did not have more boundaries, but my kids were also a little older before iphones and ipads and the like were quite as much in the mix. Never phones at the table, of course. I never made anyone not have phones or computers in their bedrooms at night - good idea, now that I hear it. Both of them police themselves quite well - Eve regularly takes Tiktok off her phone and Angus will text me that he's going on a phone detox so not to panic if I text and he doesn't answer immediately (I don't text him as often as that makes it sound).
ReplyDeleteI fully acknowledge the problems that can result from too much screen time, but there are also benefits, and I think I'm just lucky that they didn't have the kind of personalities that would have caused problems.
yes, luck over here too
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